The goddamn column.
“What’s your size?” saya ndomblong. Ndomblong kenapa yang barusan ga bisa masuk. Enggak muat. Too small for my hole. Too big to fit on me.
“So what’s your size?”
“Ermm… Medium aja deh Mbak. Yang Small ga muat. Tetep yang merah ya warnanya.”
“Bentar ya Koh, saya ambilin ukuran M nya. Jeans nya muatkah?”
“Sekalian 30 deh. Yang 28 kekecilan. Hehe. Thanks!”
Saya langsung tutup pintu fitting room.
--
“Ini tanggal berapa, Cy?”
“Lima belas. Kenapa?”
“Crap! I only have two goddamn weeks to loose five kilos.”
“Yea, I can see that muffin top. Antara mau mbludag dari celana, atau minta dikenyot vacuum cleaner. Ini apaaa?!” Cyrus dengan lancangnya menggenggam pinggang saya.
“Shooh! I eat, so I wont fall in love. You shall clap for me!”
“Oh, sekarang prinsip elu ‘goodbye love, now I fall in chocolate’? Huh?”
“Ok. Judge me. Judge for eating my emotion. Judge me for not trying watch my own figure. I just don’t wanna be fatty on my birthday!”
Cyrus menggapai kaus ketat berukuran S itu. “Lolita, the most useful and effective pill to lose weight is… well… SEXCERCISE ! It burns, it helps. Make some sweat, baby!”
Mata saya memicing. “Magnificent. This desperate and single boy gotta fuck a treadmill machine tomorrow. Thanks for your hilarious advice.”
“Don’t I look sexy on this V-neck SMALL size shirt?” tanyanya menekan.
“I’ll kill u now.”
--
Okay. May 29 would be my birthday. I am so freaking out about my age. My twenty-frickin-four age. I’m aging!
I would be at “LeftOver” column.
Di kolom itu, percaya enggak percaya, berisi pria berumur 24-29 yang ‘lagi-enggak laku-lakunya’. Yang 24 kalah sama 23 kebawah. Yang 29 lagi harap-harap cemas nungguin jadi hot-hunk at his thirties.
So where do I go after May 29th? Leftover column. Fuck. Fuck my life.
“How old are you?”
“Twenty six.”
“I see I see.”
And the chat is over. Saya udah bisa bayangin hal-hal yang bakal menimpa saya.
Mau dipanggil sinyo juga enggak pantes. Mau dipanggil koko juga ga pantes. Mau dipanggil engkoh juga saya bukan juragan sembako.
Satu masalah belom selesai, sekarang malah nambah gendut! “Universe, did you just send me some messages that I would ended up miserably on my LEFTOVER ERA?”
“No. It can’t be happen to me. Damn you chocolate bar. Damn you to hell! You and your friends calories are little monsters who made my clothes smaller.” That night, I toss my last choco-bar in my trash.
The Bird Shit and The Bee.
“Do I have bird-shit on my face?” tanya Kevin.
“Huh? No. Why?”
“Terus kenapa semua orang ngehindarin guaa?!”
Saya ngakak. “Nooo Kev, you’re just cute. As usual.”
“No dearest. I might be cute but I’m twenty-eight. Kemarin gua chat sama orang di grindr, ternyata dia cuma nanya begini : kamu pake foto lima tahun lalu ya? Enggak percaya ah kalo kamu umur 28.”
“That’s… such a relieved!”
“That’s humiliation!”
“Kan elu dipuji awet muda..! Gimana sih?”
“Kaga! Gua marah! Marah besar! Gua maki-maki itu orang! I built this slimy-20years old-body for years. I’m using anti aging cream every night. But the point is, gua engga pernah nutupin umur gua. Gua bangga kalo gua tua! Dan dia enggak percaya!”
Saya garuk-garuk kepala. Absurd bener partner gym saya yang satu ini. Mati-matian buat kelihatan awet muda, tapi suka kalo dibilang tua. It’s a big ‘HUH?’
“Okay… So?” saya oper burbles ke dia.
“Okay so…! Gua udah sejauh ini berusaha, tapi kenapa gua masih single?! Udah tiga tahun gua single! I’m oldie, but im goodie !!”
Saya berkaca didepan kaca besar di gym. “Well honey, say hi to ‘Leftover Ville’. Population? Us.”
--
“Nyo, lu habisin tuh sisa makanan tadi sore. Sayang kalo dibuang.”
“No way. Noo. Waay. I’m the leftover already, I don’t want to eat some leftover too.”
“Huh?” Mama saya ndomblong.
Oh by the way, welcome back S & 28 size =)
By.C
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