CHAPTER 35 : SIX YEARS LATER

3 September 2010

 

Me - Version 2.0

Last week, when I was queuing on a big supermarket, accidentally I met my High-School Friend.

Dia keliatannya repot banget sambil bawa anak cowo kecil yang saking berisiknya sampe mau saya sumpelin kondom yang ada di keranjang belanja saya.

“Oh little boy, u don’t know that sometimes u better suck a mint-condom than Math on your class. 

Then here’s my pray for u : Dear math, I don't want to solve your problems because I have my own. May Lord blessing baby-boy!”

Males sih sebenernya nyapa orang-orang dari masa lalu, tapi… 

“Hei, Adrian!” shit, what can I say! Dia ternyata milih ngantri di belakang saya.

Dia kayanya agak pangling, tapi sedetik kemudian senyum sambil ngajak salaman. “Chris!!”

Cerita punya cerita, si jago basket di sekolahan saya ini sekarang udah beranak. 

Dan itu anaknya yang baru umur setahun!

“Heh?  Kapan nikahnya? Kamu baru umur 24 loh! Ga terlalu cepatkah?”

“Gimana lagi dong.. Kebelet gituan. Baru setaun lalu nikahnya kok.”

Oh Man! That’s the silliest excuse I’ve ever heard.

You could just go to the nearest Hooker-Ville and bang some girls! U don’t  have to take that big responsibility!

Marriage plus one noisy BabyBoy. Okay. Perfect. Kamu bahkan belum mapan, berani taruhan!

“Oh ic.. Sekarang kerja apa Adrian?” kepo deh ini mulut.

“Baru lulus enam bulan lalu, dan baru dua bulan ini kerja di bank jadi sales marketing. Berat rasanya. Untung macem-macem masih dibantuin biaya orang tua kita.”

See? One idiot action and now he screwed up the whole team !

Then I smiled. He was crazily hot and jerk at the same time when in High-School. And now his life is a mess. Not to mention his bad hair-do and flabby tummy in present time.

Like old people said : Revenge is sweet. But Karma is tasty.

 

--

“Kamu sekarang beda ya, keliatan cakep yah sekarang! How’s life?”

Oh jelass! Itulah enaknya punya jiwa binan. Lebih sadar ngerawat dan maintain diri. Living in healthy life. Soul and body. “Oh I’m great!” yes I’m great, baby!

“Beli condom buat apa Chris?”

Arrrrghhh! Saya lupa kalo lagi beli kondom buat nikah sama papoy =p !

Dia senyum sambil mengangkat dagunya. “U never changed, yah. Still faggot that I know on high-school. Hahaha.”

Saya mangap. “Heh???”

“Eh cuma becanda loh! HAHAHAA!” becanda apaan? That’s not funny, young jerk!

Ambil nafas-tarik-lepaskan. “Buat gituan lah. Emang mau dibuat wadah isi es bon-bon?!”

“Heh? Serius? Sama siapa? Cewe yang mana?”

“Dude, I’m a faggot. I’m gay. I eat dick. So what?”

Sekarang dia gantian mangap. “Seriusan? Yang benerrr? Ah becanda kelewatan!”

Saya diam saja. Tapi dia terus nanya.

“Seriusan kamu suka cowo?” sialan! Si kasir sampe ngeliatin sambil cengengesan.

“Do want me to suck yours ??!! SHOOOHH !!”

Lalu dia pindah ke antrian sebelah. What now? High-school critical the sequel?

Sigh.

 

Oh god. I better listen to my Mama. 

She once said : If someone throws a stone at you. Throw a flower at him, but make sure the flower is still in the pot !!!

That’s all I want to do right now !!

 

 

By.C

 

 

CHAPTER 34 : THE UNOFFICIAL BOY

1^st September 2010

Enemy turned Friend

Here’s another story about one species that I hate : GOLD DIGGER.

The name is June. He’s damn cute and everything. Flawless white skin, perfect smile, nice attitude, and lady-like.

But one thing so ugly about him that I heard. Rumor has it, he always dating filthy riches men.

His current boyfriend is married men with a son. He has big fat bank account, a landlord, and June got all of the facilities by doing nothing.

Then my gold digger alarm went on.

And I was like.. “Great.. Not just another pretty face to see.” in sarcasm perspective.

Akhirnya ada kesempatan kenalan langsung sama si ‘living-legend’ ini gara-gara Cyrrus ajakin dia ke Mall.

“June. Umur dua satu.” Senyumnya ramah. Saya sudah males benernya. Mau ngapain nih kucing temenan ama Cyrrus segala.

“Yeah.. we know you. Bye for now.” Balas Keith yang langsung pamit ke gym diatas. SHIT !

I really want to go, tapi udah kadung janji mau cari blazer bareng Cyrrus. I always hate plan B.

Oke, sejam kedepan harus pasang pagar betis invisible, mata memicing, dan ngomong seperlunya. Sebagai peringatan “Don’t talk to me, u home-wrecker!”

“You might try this on, Chris? Looks good on you.” Katanya di fitting room sambil melepas blazer yang baru dicobanya.

Saya menggeleng. That’s one knitted blazer with high-priced tag. “Errmm.. No need, June. Not my style. I can’t afford it, though.”

“I will buy this one next month. In L size.”

“L size? I thought u’re S size.”

Setelah saya tanya, ternyata dia mau beli itu buat kado ultah sugarDADDY-nya itu. Kenapa harus next month? Kenapa engga sekarang? Just swipe that Titanium Credit Card nohhh.

“Nunggu gaji dari agency dulu. Bayarannya baru cair bulan depan. This prize has to be special.”

“Does he even care?” tolong setrika mulut saya sekarang! I shouldn’t have asked that!

Beberapa menit kemudian saya jadi simpati habis-habisan sama dia.

Gara-garanya, dia nangis-nangis setelah debat di telepon sama pacarnya itu. Point-nya, he will be out of town for couple months. Family vacation.

"I don't want to be your number 1, because that means that there is a 2 and 3!! I want to be your only one!" teriaknya sambil membanting teleponnya di tumpukan baju.

Selanjutnya dia nyerocos sendiri. Betapa dia selalu kalah dari keluarganya.

Yaiyalah! Situ cuma kasih kepuasan, sementara istri dan balita cowonya itu bisa kasih semua kebahagiaan. The true happiness.

“But I really love him, you know.” And June, so does his real little family.

Beberapa menit kemudian baru dia tenang. “Okay. No matter how I prove myself, I will always be under the light. I will never win. Enggak apa-apa. Asal dia enggak hilang. I’ll be fine.”

Tapi saya lumayan kagum sama ini anak. Pemikirannya kadang bikin mikir sendiri. He’s really ahead of his age. Like he has been through many things and still survives.

“When I was small, I laughed less but there was infinite hidden joy. As I grew up, I learn to laugh a lot to hide the unspoken sadness.” Kata dia lirih.

Well. I really want to hug him now. Sekarang baru tahu, semua cerita, selalu punya dua sisi. Find the blind side, and then u will know the different version.

“Jadi apa status kalian sebenernya? Pacaran juga bukan kan?” tanya Cyrrus.

“Technically I'm single, but emotionally I'm completely taken. Cause in my mind I will always be his boy. His unofficial boy.”

Saya trenyuh.

U will never know when someone comes in n press 'play' on your paused life.

 

 

Friend Turned Enemy

Yang ini beda kisah lagi.

Yang satu ini dulu normal-normal aja. Dulu down-to-earth, sekarang enggak inget yang namanya mijak tanah. Barangnya baru-baru. BB baru, baju baru, semua baru.

Usut punya usut, ternyata jual sana jual sini.

Gayanya kaya OKB. Petentang-petenteng bawa Bally palsu. “Like I don’t know the fact! Tas nya KW dua, yang bawa mukanya KW 10!” batin Keith.

Itu orang kok jadi kejerumus gitu yah. “Kesambet roh Lonte Birahi kali.”

Malesin jalan sama orang kaya begituan, bikin reputasi jadi tambah runyam aja. Ntar sekalian ditawar orang pas jalan bareng. “Buy one get Three dong. Diskon dikit gitu sama Om tersayang.”

Tersayang muke lu mbendul! Tahi ndiri aja juga gua ogah kasih ke elu.

“Hei Keith!” sapanya di bagian Pull & Dipping.

“Hmm…” jawab gitu aja cukup kayanya. Annoy ini orang. Mana di gym sini banyak om-om gatel. Ntar dikira satu agensi lagi sama ini kucing.

“Onyx baru tuh?”

“Iya. Beli ndiri.” Iye belinya sendiri, tapi duitnya dari uluran kasih Daddy beta tercinta.

“Oh.. titipin locker room aja. Enggak usah show off. Pake foto-foto segala.”

One killing sentence. Tapi si kucing itu kayanya telinga tebel juga. Tetep sibuk sok BBM-an.

“Mana temen-temen elu?”

“Enggak tau. Pada sibuk.” Helehhh.. kaya gua enggak tau aja. Temen-temen elu juga pada males sama elu. Makanya mendingan elunya dibuang daripada ntar ikutan jadi kaum terbuang.

Kaya gua engga tau aja dua mantan terakhir lu cerita ke gua kalo elu sukanya ngutil duit dari dompet mereka diem-diem.

Pindah ke bagian pull-up. “Dan elu kenapa sih ngikutin gua terus?” bentak Keith.

“Yee. Suka-suka dong. Weekkkk…” Hidih, mana sok imut pula. Emang bener pepatah bilang. Diatas langit ada langit. Di bawah jurang ada jurang. Nah dia ini bukan jurang lagi, tapi palung.

“Back off and don’t show your sold shinny ass on me anymore, u kitten!”

Dia diam. “Maksudnya? Enggak mudeng. Indonesia dooong.”

“KAMPUNGAN !!”

 

 

by.C

CHAPTER 33 : SECOND PUBERTY

August 29, 2010

 

Zero Puberty

Dulu, waktu masih kecil, saya tanya Mama. “Andropause apa sih??”

Then she said, “Ask ur Dad. Its not Women thing.” But since I don’t get along with my Dad, I better keep that question to myself.

Until one day, I know what Andropause is..

 

The 1^st Puberty

Kalo inget jaman teenager dulu, rasanya kok tengsin yah. Mellow-mellow ga jelas gara-gara kesepian ga ada cinta. Apaan sih !! Haishh !!

Kalo dulu ngeliat percintaan orang, rasanya kaya “Heavenly Sweet” sampe-sampe tai kucing berasa coklat. Yang coklat manis malah berasa tai kucing. 

Sekarang udah bisa maintain perasaan. Labil dikit boleh-lah. But don’t show ur emotion to people. It’s a weakness. They will read you easily.

Kalo dulu rasanya horny melulu. Kawin sama tangan melulu. Sekarang malah kadang bosen kalo mau “gini-gitu” sama yang beneran.

Blehhh!! Its just like, “Not my priorities anymore, dude!” sex can be bored sometimes.

Then u got the real love, from the real one. Rasanya disitu semua emosi memfusi. Lalu habis. Sampai dimana ada titik jenuh. “I’m done with this drama.”

Until u say… “Cape. Want to rest my heart for a while.”

Then you are hiding in your comfort zone. 

Too comfy till you don’t know what’s going on out there.

Till you don’t know who is going down, and who is moving up.

Till one day…

 

The 2^nd Puberty

There he is !

Bedroom-Bathroom-Desk Work-Canteen-Parking Area-Bathroom-Dinner on Bedroom-Hello Badroom.

What a cycle !

Wait, what’s missing? 

Where’s my dreams: Wake up and smooching my hubby’s chest, then showering together. After that, we’re heading to the different office, and sex-ting to release the stressed-out after lunch break at canteen.

Showering again. Fine dining on casual restaurant, then he will be my dessert on bed. HALLO SWEETDREAM!

Every men’s dream is to achieve three goals : Emotionally Mature, Financially Mature, and Sexually Mature.

And the men that I’m going to tell u, just got the Financially Mature achievement.

He forgets what are the rules to get the hot one onto your bed.

He forgets how to tease, licking, and playing your nipples.

And not to mention…

He forgets how to play his dick and what is it for !!

“Com’on Dick! Make me proud of you, just this moment! I really want to get laid tonight!”

And he’s still wondering, “Sekarang gaya ML paling enak apa ya? Is missionary still on the hot track?”

Sebenernya ini orang ga se-pathetic itu sih. Sempet kagum juga sama satu statement dia : “Don’t you ever say that you COMPLETE ME ! Pacar enggak bakal bisa bikin hidup kamu komplit. Hidupmu harus komplit dulu tanpa siapapun. Dan baru setelah itu, seseorang akan datang untuk menemanimu menjalaninya.”

Ermmm.. That’s true, Sir. Tapi buat pria –Fourty Something- seperti anda, peluangnya makin kecil. Ibarat ikan, kolam anda untuk berenang dan cari ikan sejenis, bakalan lebih kecil dan cetek.

“I’ll jump into another fishpond, then” Saya cuma bisa ngangguk-ngangguk ngantuk ngedengerin dia nyerocos sendiri.

--

Friday, Cyrrus was checking out his facebook message.

One new message-open :

Hi sinyo.. 

Manis banget kamu. Sini main ke rumah Om, ada banyak permen lho. Mau minta apa juga Om kasih. Rumah Om deket kok di daerah pusat.

SMS-in ke Om nomer hape kamu ya. Nanti Om jemput.

-DELETED-

 

“WOOOOAANJEEEEEENG!” lantang Cyrrus di coffee-shop disaksikan saya dan Keith yang kemudian ikut mem-block si Om itu.

 

By-C

CHAPTER 32 : EMOTIONAL BABY SITTER

18 August 2010

 

Tornado vs Volcano

I’m asking Noel what happened with his forehead and neck? Kayanya ada luka membiru dan agak merah.

“My boyfriend did it.” Katanya sambil berusaha menutupinya dengan poni.

“Hah? What’s going on yah??”

“That’s the point. Kalo facebook enggak buta, there should be relationship status for – I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON !”

Ok, what going on is, they are both temperamental.

Noah’s temper just as bad as Gary is. Ga ada yang mau ngalah, dan selalu berakhir dengan adu fisik.

Oh-my..

They fight for nothing and for no reason.

“What happen with ur neck? Did he choked you?” dia mengangguk.

“What about the bruise on your forehead?” tanya saya lagi.

“Oh ini.. Ini cuma jedot-jedotin kepala aja ke tembok waktu dia teriak-teriak dari luar kamar mandi yang gua kunci. Begitu terus sampe gua pingsan dan tertidur. Biar lupa dikit.”

“Gosh! Your boyfriend is a monster !”

“Don’t Worry Keith, I fought back. I left some marks on his ass and chest. Haha. Maybe this is what happen when tornado meets volcano.” What an insane couple.

 

 

BAM-BAM-BOOM

Saya selalu mikir, kadang kita ini enggak butuh pasangan hidup buat memenuhin keinginan dan emosi kita.

Yang terlalu suka manja, yang terlalu labil emosinya, mereka cuma perlu baby-sitter.

A girl once told me, “Sometime, a big man doesn’t need a lover. They just need one emotional baby sitter.”

---

Balik ke kursi 2+2 kami di tengah coffee-shop.

“Dear-Lord. Your relationship just like battlefield. BAM-BAM-BOOM !!”

“Kok enggak diputusin aja?”

“I love him. Dan gua enggak mau ngerubah dia, karena itu yang gua suka dari dia. I love men who can explode. It’s a volcano.”

“….and his anger, i spell it WARMTH.” Tambahnya.

“Dan saling maafin ujugnya?” Cyrrus merasa ini konyol.

“Do u know what my Mom said about forgiveness?” kami menggeleng.

“Someday, God asked- what is forgiveness? Then a little girl replies- it’s the sweet fruit that a tree gives when it’s being hurt by a stone.”

Keith diam. Dan saya makin bingung.

“Dan akhirnya kami selalu saling pelukan dan seperti biasa lagi. We just.. releasing our anger this way. U do sport, we do yelling.”

So what the point of your damn relationship yah?!

“Let go of what kills you. And hold on to what keeps you breathing.”

Lalu Gary datang menjemputnya dan duduk di sofa kami. They smile, and seemed madly in love.

“Have a fun-time, Hon?” lalu mereka saling peluk dan pamit.

And I’m guessing they will kill each other after arrive at home.

Get ur weapon on, dear.

 

 

By.C

Chapter 31 : MATRIMONY

August 2, 2010

 

Marry-Go-Round

These are what I hate about wedding : what to wear, and bunch of happy straight couples.

Damn, I’m soooo doomed ! Tau gini ga usah kelakar ide nemenin si Joey segala.

Okay, sekarang kita ber-empat sudah di kapel, duduk tengah di kursi memanjang. 

My first impression: what a splendid wedding !

I mean, it was PERFECT. The flowers, the candles, and not to mention the best men. They’re all well-groomed men. All straight, sadly.

“No wonder Chris. The groom is gay. And He has excellent taste.” bisik Joey.

“Udah liat foto pre-wed mereka didepan tadi, Joey?” Cyrrus dan Keith datang telat dan langsung menyambar tempat kosong di sebelah.

“Udah. Dan kayanya center of attention on every pics is on the bride, deh. This wedding is about her. Kayanya cewenya lebih mendominasi ntar dalam berumah tangga. Nyeremin.” saya cuma menaikkan alis.

“Have u seen the bride, guys? Her boobs are so huge, that ‘they’ hit my face even before I say hi to her !” ini anak kok sinis terus begini sih. Jadi ga enak sama tamu depan-belakang. Arrrh !

Jujur, saya sendiri sebenernya juga engga suka konsep pernikahan. Apa-apaan coba, cinta kok pake ginian segala.

“I just don’t believe in marriage. Its just some kind of Priest’s practical joke. Even the priest never got married !” setuju Keith !

Well, sebenernya enggak boleh juga sih sinis sama pernikahan. 

I mean, I’ve never been married. Its just like judging something that u don’t even know.

Siapa tahu pernikahan itu arti sebenarnya dari cinta. I don’t know. 

Takut kualat juga teriak-teriak, “Lihat yeh elu-elu pada, sumpah tai tokek gua ga bakal nikah !” bikin keselek juga liat binan-binan tua pada nikah ujungnya. Pada nyerah. Pada nikah.

“I will marry someone today. Men. Women. Man-whore. Whore. Whoever. I want to be on that spot : ALTAR. Cuz as I seen, A wedding anniversary is the celebration of  love, faith, partnership, acceptance and persistence.  HELLO FAIRYTALE !!” Ok people, u heard these words from sweetie-botie Cyrrus.

“Baby-Cy, for me, a wedding ceremony is really the final scene of the fairy-tale. They never tell you what happens after...” smash Joey telak.

“Will you marry someone, someday, Joe?” tanya saya.

“Dear me. I'm not that desperate. I am so hot that if it was legal, I would marry myself.”

 

For Better or Worse.

“I really cant wait for the VOW SESSION. Waktu pendeta bilang : marry him for better or worse. I would shout loudly – BUT NOT FOR GOOD !!” Geez Joey.

“It’s a heaven thing! Don’t  dare u do that ! Sssshh !!”

Keith ngikik, “Baby Cy, if marriage made in heaven, then what are made in hell?”

“The day after marriages. HAHAHAHH!” Joey ngakak dibarengi Keith. All eyes on us!

Oke. Suara Grand piano dimulai. Here comes Joey’s ex. Joey cuma bisa menunduk melihatnya melintas menuju altar.

Then the bride… I can’t even say it. She looks uber gorgeous. Her flawless radiant face. Her smells. Her smile. Not a fake happiness.

Kami baru benar-benar diam dan kaku setelah melihat sang Ayah dari the-bride menangis di sampingnya sambil mengantarnya menuju altar. Perlahan, menyesapi langkah demi langkah.

That bulky-men-look-like-a-hongkong-mafia is crying! What a melting moment!

Matrimony never been this beautiful in my eyes.

“Sudah aku relain. Semoga dia happy sama kehidupan barunya. Bagaimanapun, dia berhak memilih kehidupan yang lebih baik kan…” gumam Joey super pelan.

Saya menggenggam tangan kirinya erat. “It’s gonna be okay. Release him from your heart. Accept the reality. And get your life back. You know we love you.” Dan sekilas mantannya sempat melempar senyum dua detik ke arah tempat kami duduk.

Then we smile. 

I never thought wedding ceremony can bring sweet and warm feeling. Unlike the other wedding.

---

“Gua pulang belakangan yah. Kalian pulang ndiri aja.” Kata Joey.

“Mau ngapain elu? Yang nikah aja udah pulang.”

“Have you seen the pianist? He’s hot as hell, Baby-Cy.”

“And he’s straight as hell !! I know him at the gym. Gua ulang : Dia bukan binan !”

“Never heard of my skill? Membengkokkan semua yang lurus.” Kedipnya sambil masuk ke dalam gereja lagi.

 

By. C